“The Twelve Crimes of Christmas: History’s Strangest Holiday Criminals, Riots & Festive Fiascos”

0:00 Speaker 1: Welcome back, dear listeners to the Strange History Podcast. The

0:03 Speaker 1: only show that insists history is that it's most unhinged

0:06 Speaker 1: precisely when everyone else is trying to be wholesome. Tonight,

0:11 Speaker 1: I bring you a Yuletide feast of crimes so bizarre,

0:14 Speaker 1: so festive, and so aggressively unnecessary that even Santa would

0:18 Speaker 1: need a drink. These are the twelve Crimes of Christmas,

0:22 Speaker 1: stories spanning centuries, filled with riots, poultry duels, sacrilegious ham placements,

0:29 Speaker 1: goose based vigilantism, and Florida ninjas. Yes, Florida, of course

0:36 Speaker 1: Florida is involved. So grab your cocoa, adjust your holiday lights,

0:41 Speaker 1: and maybe bolt your doors, because these crimes are about

0:44 Speaker 1: to make you feel very normal.

0:46 Speaker 2: By comparison the medieval caroling riot of thirteen seventy seven,

0:53 Speaker 2: our story begins in Gloucester, England, where Christmas caroling was

0:56 Speaker 2: less silent night and more battle of the band's dark age.

1:00 Speaker 2: Is addition, two rival caroling factions, the Holy Harmonists and

1:05 Speaker 2: the Merry Minstrels, had spent the season trying to outsing

1:08 Speaker 2: each other for the honor of performing in the Mayor's house.

1:12 Speaker 2: The prize warm ale a decent meal and bragging rights

1:16 Speaker 2: for the entire year. Medieval people took that extremely seriously.

1:21 Speaker 2: On Christmas Day, someone from the Harmonists accused the minstrels

1:25 Speaker 2: of singing intoned like pigs with colds, to which a

1:29 Speaker 2: minstrel replied that the Harmonists had the vocal quality of

1:33 Speaker 2: strained porridge. Insults escalated with astonishing speed, Rocks were thrown,

1:39 Speaker 2: loots were smashed, and then, in a historic escalation, a

1:44 Speaker 2: fishmonger rushed in wielding a frozen eel as a weapon.

1:48 Speaker 2: The eel, described in town records as stout and aggressive,

1:51 Speaker 2: cracked against skulls with alarming force. Luckily, no one died,

1:56 Speaker 2: though several participants complained of lingering, humiliation, and eel bruises.

2:02 Speaker 2: One loot was declared beyond saving. Thus ended the Great

2:06 Speaker 2: Gloucester Christmas Riot, a reminder that medieval Europe could turn

2:10 Speaker 2: literally anything into a weapon.

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2:29 Speaker 3: you accidentally set your Christmas pudding on fire on purpose,

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2:41 Speaker 3: slay and run cases, and misunderstandings involving reindeer in restricted areas.

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2:51 Speaker 2: The Christmas pudding Arsonist sixteen fifty nine.

2:55 Speaker 1: When the Puritans outlawed Christmas in Boston, calling it sinful, wasteful,

3:00 Speaker 1: and excessively merry. Many colonists grumbled but complied, But one

3:05 Speaker 1: man decided he would not be denied his festive spirit

3:08 Speaker 1: or his pudding, so he baked the largest Christmas pudding

3:12 Speaker 1: he could manage, placed it ceremoniously on his front step,

3:15 Speaker 1: and set it on fire, a protest a dessert, a

3:19 Speaker 1: beacon of seasonal rebellion. Neighbors gathered and whispered nervously as

3:24 Speaker 1: the flaming pudding sputtered like a tiny, fruity beacon of insubordination.

3:30 Speaker 1: When town officials arrived, he sat calmly in a chair

3:33 Speaker 1: watching the burn, remarking that he was merely allowing the

3:37 Speaker 1: pudding to ascend to its final glory. Officials find him

3:41 Speaker 1: for unlawful celebration, unlawful fire setting, and in a phrase

3:46 Speaker 1: only Puritans could invent, wilful merriness. The next year, he

3:52 Speaker 1: allegedly lit two puddings on fire. Some rebellions are small,

3:57 Speaker 1: but they are glorious.

4:00 Speaker 2: The Texas Santa Side of nineteen twenty seven.

4:04 Speaker 1: In Cisco, Texas, bank robber Marshall Ratliffe thought he had

4:07 Speaker 1: found the perfect disguise, Santa Claus. Surely no one suspects Santa.

4:12 Speaker 1: Santa is innocent, jolly, beloved by children and depositors alike.

4:18 Speaker 1: Unfortunately for Ratliffe, his plan relied heavily on children not

4:22 Speaker 1: following him into the bank, which they immediately did as

4:26 Speaker 1: he pulled out a gun. Children screamed, adults panicked, and

4:30 Speaker 1: one woman fainted dramatically into a sack of deposit slips.

4:34 Speaker 1: Police surrounded the bank, and a chaotic shootout erupted between

4:37 Speaker 1: officers and again, and let me emphasize this, Santa. Eyewitnesses

4:43 Speaker 1: later said it was the most emotionally confusing Christmas event

4:47 Speaker 1: they had ever experienced. Ratlift did not escape quietly. Dragged

4:51 Speaker 1: out wounded, still in his Santa suit, he muttered something

4:55 Speaker 1: about elves failing their duties. The event became known as

5:00 Speaker 1: as the Santa Claus Bank robbery, and it is still

5:03 Speaker 1: considered one of the most chaotic crimes in Texas history,

5:06 Speaker 1: which is really saying something.

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5:31 Speaker 3: cookie thieves, and anyone who insists on rearranging your ornaments alphabetically.

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5:40 Speaker 2: The Great Canadian Goose Heist nineteen o seven.

5:44 Speaker 1: Toronto's beloved Hartley Butcher shop awoke on Christmas Eve nineteen

5:49 Speaker 1: o seven to a tragedy. Every goose, all forty of them,

5:54 Speaker 1: had been stolen in the night. These were high end geese,

5:58 Speaker 1: raised on the finest scraps and selected by families days

6:02 Speaker 1: in advance. Toronto was outraged, absolutely furious, as furious as

6:09 Speaker 1: Canadians get, which is to say polite but very determined.

6:13 Speaker 1: Police immediately noticed the trail of goose tracks dragging through

6:17 Speaker 1: the snow. The thieves had tried to carry them, but

6:20 Speaker 1: apparently gave up and allowed the birds to waddle alongside them. Unfortunately,

6:25 Speaker 1: geese are, as we all know, deeply vindictive. Every thief

6:30 Speaker 1: had been pecked, bitten, clawed, and honked at so ferociously

6:35 Speaker 1: that officers simply followed the trail of blood and feathers.

6:39 Speaker 1: They found the thieves cowering in a shed, covered in wounds,

6:43 Speaker 1: while the geese strutted triumphantly around them like victorious soldiers.

6:49 Speaker 1: The geese were returned to the butcher's shop. The thieves

6:52 Speaker 1: were treated for injuries and likely reconsidered every decision that

6:55 Speaker 1: led them to steal Christmas geese.

6:58 Speaker 2: The Victorian tree anchor eighteen ninety five.

7:03 Speaker 1: Victorian England loved Christmas trees, sentimental, symbolic, and ideally stolen.

7:08 Speaker 1: If you were mister Henry Collyweather. Late one night, Collieweather,

7:12 Speaker 1: an amateur spiritualist known for communing with forest auras, spotted

7:17 Speaker 1: his neighbor's beautifully decorated tree through the window. Something inside

7:21 Speaker 1: him snapped. He marched onto the property, dragged the tree out,

7:26 Speaker 1: ornaments and all and hauled it down the street like

7:29 Speaker 1: a man determined to win custody of botanical property. Passersby

7:33 Speaker 1: asked what he was doing, and he simply said, the

7:37 Speaker 1: tree desires freedom and a more spiritually harmonious parlor. Police

7:42 Speaker 1: arrived and found him arranging the ornaments in a perfect

7:45 Speaker 1: Victorian starburst pattern, humming carols in an off key falsetto.

7:50 Speaker 1: The newspapers exploded with outrage, declaring it the symptom of

7:54 Speaker 1: a moral collapse. Cartoonists drew mister Collyweather as the Yule

7:59 Speaker 1: tie tree thief, complete with a crazed stare and a

8:03 Speaker 1: pine branch sticking out of his hat. Victorians loved moral panics.

8:08 Speaker 1: This was their super Bowl.

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8:26 Speaker 3: Side effects include sprinting, spontaneous hoof noises, the overwhelming desire

8:32 Speaker 3: to challenge Santa to a race. Reindeer Rage, unleash your

8:36 Speaker 3: inner Rudolph.

8:38 Speaker 2: The Nativity hem Swap nineteen seventy three.

8:43 Speaker 1: Knoxville residents arrived Christmas morning to a shocking site. The

8:47 Speaker 1: Baby Jesus figurine had been removed from the town nativity scene.

8:51 Speaker 1: In its place, nestled lovingly on the hay, was a

8:55 Speaker 1: perfectly glazed, spiral cut honey baked ham. The ham had

9:00 Speaker 1: been positioned with the utmost care tilted slightly forward, as

9:04 Speaker 1: if gazing beatifically at the wise men. Police were baffled.

9:09 Speaker 1: There were no footprints, no signs of tampering, and no

9:12 Speaker 1: witnesses besides missus Douglas, who claimed she felt a disturbance

9:16 Speaker 1: in the spirit realm around midnight. The ham itself was pristine,

9:21 Speaker 1: studded with cloves in a decorative pattern that one officer

9:25 Speaker 1: described as unsettlingly festive. Suspicions immediately turned to the Ladies

9:31 Speaker 1: Church baking committee, because frankly, those women were competitive and

9:36 Speaker 1: armed with free time and powerful casserole based alliances. The

9:40 Speaker 1: perpetrator was never identified, making this one of the most

9:44 Speaker 1: adorable unsolved crimes in Tennessee history.

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9:55 Speaker 3: ended up in the wrong chimney. Whether you got caught

9:58 Speaker 3: stealing inflatable reindeer, impersonating Santa in a high speed chase,

10:03 Speaker 3: or conducting unauthorized caroling, Santa's secret bail bonds has you covered?

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10:12 Speaker 3: home before the cookies cool. Santa's secret bail bonds because

10:17 Speaker 3: naughty happens.

10:19 Speaker 2: The drunken Reindeer Ride of nineteen thirty.

10:22 Speaker 1: Two at a Stockholm Christmas market, one man consumed far

10:26 Speaker 1: too much glug, which is already a dangerous beverage because

10:29 Speaker 1: it's mulled wine that tastes like a hug but hits

10:32 Speaker 1: like Viking mead. Feeling spiritually aligned with the holiday, he

10:37 Speaker 1: spotted a reindeer tied to a sleigh and announced to everyone,

10:41 Speaker 1: I shall ride to the Auroras. He attempted to mount

10:45 Speaker 1: the reindeer. The reindeer, deeply unimpressed and possibly offended by

10:51 Speaker 1: the man's energy, launched him into a snowbank with the

10:54 Speaker 1: force of a furry tribuche. Spectators described the scene with

10:58 Speaker 1: the polite understatement, and Sweden is famous for. He flew

11:03 Speaker 1: farther than expected After being extracted from the snow, the

11:07 Speaker 1: man apologized profusely to the reindeer, petting its nose and

11:11 Speaker 1: calling it a noble beast. The reindeer, named Stierna Star,

11:16 Speaker 1: became a minor local celebrity and appeared in the following

11:19 Speaker 1: year's Christmas parade wearing a smug expression.

11:23 Speaker 3: Do you have concerns about your family's holiday behavior? Did

11:27 Speaker 3: Grandpa threaten the elf on the shelf again? Did your

11:30 Speaker 3: neighbor drag away your Christmas tree for aura reasons? Call

11:35 Speaker 3: the twenty four hour Christmas Crime Hotline. Whether it's fruitcake fraud,

11:40 Speaker 3: mistletoe misconduct, or gingerbread vandalism, our operators are standing by.

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11:49 Speaker 3: confronted by a caroller mob.

11:52 Speaker 2: The Turkey Duel of eighteen sixty seven.

11:55 Speaker 1: In rural Pennsylvania, two farmers, Jacob Miller and Thomas Green

12:00 Speaker 1: entered into a heated argument over whose Christmas turkey was larger.

12:05 Speaker 1: This was apparently a matter of enormous pride. After exchanging

12:09 Speaker 1: insults such as your turkey is thin of spirit and

12:14 Speaker 1: your bird is but a feeble puffball, the men decided

12:17 Speaker 1: that only a duel could resolve the matter. However, being

12:21 Speaker 1: devout men who didn't want to use guns on Christmas,

12:25 Speaker 1: they instead seized their turkeys and threw them at each

12:28 Speaker 1: other with all the force their holiday outrage could muster.

12:31 Speaker 1: The turkeys, understandably horrified, screamed, flapped, and fled, making the

12:36 Speaker 1: duel impossible to continue. Witnesses later recalled it as the

12:41 Speaker 1: least dignified Christmas confrontation in county history, which is quite

12:45 Speaker 1: something considering there had been at least three sled related

12:48 Speaker 1: fistfights that same winter.

12:52 Speaker 2: The Christmas Cookie heist Kid nineteen sixty four.

12:56 Speaker 1: Tommy from New Jersey was a seven year old boy

12:59 Speaker 1: with both a sugar addiction and the ingenuity of a

13:02 Speaker 1: young mcgever. His neighbor always baked extravagant Christmas cookies, glossy icing,

13:08 Speaker 1: frosted masterpieces, and Tommy wanted them, so he devised a

13:13 Speaker 1: full blown burglary plan. He tied shoelaces together to form

13:17 Speaker 1: a climbing rope, fashioned a window latch pick out of

13:20 Speaker 1: a bent wire hangar, and used his sled as an

13:23 Speaker 1: escape vehicle. He broke in, stole a tin of cookies,

13:27 Speaker 1: and sprinted home like a criminal mastermind, escaping the scene

13:31 Speaker 1: of the crime. Unfortunately for Tommy, Officer Daniels lived on

13:35 Speaker 1: the street and watched the entire operation from his patrol car.

13:39 Speaker 1: Too stunned to intervene, he knocked on Tommy's door ten

13:43 Speaker 1: minutes later and gently returned the boy to his parents

13:46 Speaker 1: with the note promising engineer or future criminal mastermind. Time

13:52 Speaker 1: will tell. Tommy was grounded until January fifteenth.

13:57 Speaker 2: The Cincinnati Tinsel Bandit nineteen ninety two.

14:02 Speaker 1: In Ohio, a man decided to execute a series of

14:05 Speaker 1: Christmas Eve burglaries while dressed in tinsel garland, blinking fairy lights, and,

14:10 Speaker 1: according to one victim, a tree skirt worn like a

14:14 Speaker 1: ceremonial cape. He took his role seriously, shouting Santa Demand's

14:18 Speaker 1: tribute as he rummaged through gift piles. He wasn't subtle,

14:23 Speaker 1: he wasn't quiet, and he absolutely wasn't sober. The blinking

14:29 Speaker 1: lights on his chest created a strobe effect that alerted

14:32 Speaker 1: every dog in the neighborhood. His garland cape caught on doorknobs,

14:37 Speaker 1: his boots tracked glitter down every hallway he passed. Police

14:41 Speaker 1: caught him when he tripped over his own extension, cord

14:44 Speaker 1: fell face first into a poinsettia and began sobbing. Officers

14:48 Speaker 1: described the arrest as visually chaotic.

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15:17 Speaker 2: The seventeen forty nine Milk Made Stampede.

15:21 Speaker 1: In London, milkmaids would participate in a cheerful Christmas procession,

15:25 Speaker 1: dressed in ribbons and leading beautifully decorated cows through the streets.

15:30 Speaker 1: It was wholesome, festive and admired by all until someone

15:35 Speaker 1: history never identified them untied the cows. Cows stampeded down

15:41 Speaker 1: the streets, overturning market stalls and barging into shops. People

15:45 Speaker 1: ran screaming, while others tried to catch the cows, only

15:49 Speaker 1: to be shoved aside by a determined holstein with an agenda.

15:53 Speaker 1: One cow walked calmly into a tavern and refused to

15:56 Speaker 1: exit until a bartender placed a mug of ale on

15:58 Speaker 1: the floor. Contemporary accounts suggest the cow drank deeply. Newspapers

16:04 Speaker 1: called the incident the bovine betrayal of Christmas and honestly accurate.

16:11 Speaker 2: The Florida Christmas Tree Ninja's two thousand and nine.

16:17 Speaker 1: Who else but Florida? At two am, two men dressed

16:21 Speaker 1: head to toe in dollar store ninja outfits attempted to

16:25 Speaker 1: steal Christmas trees from a wal Mart parking lot. They somersaulted, rolled,

16:30 Speaker 1: and leaped through the shadows with all the grace of

16:33 Speaker 1: overcaffeinated raccoons. Their plan unraveled when one attempted a dramatic backflip,

16:39 Speaker 1: pulled a hamstring, and collapsed like a festive sack of potatoes.

16:43 Speaker 1: The second ninja tried to help him escape, but instead

16:47 Speaker 1: slammed both of them into a cart corral. Security cameras

16:51 Speaker 1: captured the entire fiasco, which later aired on local news

16:55 Speaker 1: under the caption Ninjas foiled by shopping carts. The men

16:59 Speaker 1: were arrested, fined, and banned from Walmart for life, which

17:04 Speaker 1: in Florida is a punishment bordering on exile.

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17:32 Speaker 1: And there you have it, Twelve crimes filled with chaos, poultry,

17:36 Speaker 1: ham tinsel, and an alarming number of animals making better

17:40 Speaker 1: decisions than humans. If these crimes prove anything it's that

17:44 Speaker 1: Christmas brings out our strangest instincts and history is all

17:48 Speaker 1: too happy to write them down. If you enjoyed this

17:52 Speaker 1: festive nonsense, make sure to subscribe, leave a review, and

17:56 Speaker 1: share this episode with someone who needs a reminder that

17:58 Speaker 1: they're holiday gathering could be much, much weirder. Until next time,

18:03 Speaker 1: dear listeners, stay warm, stay merry, and as always, stay strange,