January 6 – The Royal Marriage That Lasted Six Months and a Portrait

0:00 Speaker 1: Welcome back, dear listeners to the Strange History podcast, where

0:04 Speaker 1: history proves that sometimes the biggest disasters begin with well

0:09 Speaker 1: the painting look nice. Today is January sixth, and on

0:14 Speaker 1: this day in fifteen forty, King Henry the eighth married

0:18 Speaker 1: his fourth wife, Anne of Cleaves, a woman he had

0:21 Speaker 1: never met in person, chosen almost entirely based on a

0:25 Speaker 1: flattering portrait. What followed was one of the shortest, strangest,

0:30 Speaker 1: and most painfully awkward royal marriages in European history. Let's

0:35 Speaker 1: talk about the wedding that made Henry say, in essence,

0:38 Speaker 1: absolutely not.

0:40 Speaker 2: A marriage arranged by painting.

0:43 Speaker 1: By fifteen thirty nine, Henry the Eighth was once again single,

0:47 Speaker 1: once again anxious about alliances, and once again shopping for

0:51 Speaker 1: a wife like it was a medieval dating app England

0:54 Speaker 1: needed allies in Protestant Europe, and Anne of Cleves, a

0:58 Speaker 1: German noble woman from a powerful fan Emily, seemed perfect

1:01 Speaker 1: on paper. Henry commissioned court painter Hans Holbein the Younger

1:06 Speaker 1: to create Anne's portrait. Holbein did an excellent job, too excellent.

1:12 Speaker 1: The painting showed Anne as dignified, serene, and conventionally attractive.

1:17 Speaker 1: Henry loved it. Based solely on this image, he agreed

1:21 Speaker 1: to the marriage. No meeting, no conversation, just vibes and

1:26 Speaker 1: oil paint. The moment Henry met Anne, Anne arrived in

1:31 Speaker 1: England in late fifteen thirty nine, Henry, impatient and romantic

1:35 Speaker 1: in his own deeply misguided way, decided to surprise her

1:39 Speaker 1: by visiting in disguise. This did not go well. Henry

1:43 Speaker 1: burst into Anne's chambers, expecting delight flirtation, possibly swooning. Anne,

1:49 Speaker 1: who had no idea who this strange loud man was,

1:52 Speaker 1: reacted with polite confusion. Henry was offended deeply. According to

1:58 Speaker 1: multiple court accounts, hennah R immediately decided he did not

2:02 Speaker 1: like her, and later complained that she was nothing so

2:05 Speaker 1: well as she was spoken of translation. The portrait oversold it.

2:12 Speaker 2: The wedding that should not have happened.

2:15 Speaker 1: Despite Henry's misgivings, politics demanded the marriage continue, so on

2:20 Speaker 1: January sixth, fifteen forty, Henry the Eighth married Anne of Cleaves.

2:26 Speaker 1: The marriage was never consummated. Henry later insisted he was

2:29 Speaker 1: physically incapable of performing his marital duties, acclaim historians find

2:35 Speaker 1: selective given his past. Anne, for her part, reportedly had

2:40 Speaker 1: no idea what marital intimacy even involved. Anne thought simply

2:44 Speaker 1: sharing a bed counted as success. This was not a

2:48 Speaker 1: match made in heaven or anywhere else.

2:51 Speaker 2: The strangest part, Anne won.

2:55 Speaker 1: Six months later, Henry demanded an annulment. Anne agreed why

3:00 Speaker 1: and was rewarded handsomely. She received property income and the

3:04 Speaker 1: title the King's beloved sister. She stayed in England, outlived

3:09 Speaker 1: Henry and avoided execution entirely, which statistically speaking, made her

3:16 Speaker 1: Henry the Eighth's most successful wife. She reportedly said she

3:20 Speaker 1: was quite happy not to be queen honestly same.

3:25 Speaker 2: A legacy of portrait based regret.

3:28 Speaker 1: Henry blamed Holbeinn for the mismatch, but never punished him,

3:31 Speaker 1: possibly because Holbein had in fact painted Anne accurately. The

3:36 Speaker 1: problem wasn't the art, it was Henry. January sixth stands

3:40 Speaker 1: as a reminder that rushed decisions, political pressure, and trusting

3:43 Speaker 1: a single flattering image can lead to enormous regret, even

3:48 Speaker 1: if you're a king. Before we wrap up, a word

3:51 Speaker 1: from our sponsor, because history teaches us to never marry

3:55 Speaker 1: someone based solely on a.

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4:11 Speaker 3: We include in person meetings, personality assessments, and a legally

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4:24 Speaker 3: sudden annulments, or blaming the artist Afterward, use promo code

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4:33 Speaker 1: And that, dear listeners, is your Strange history entry for

4:36 Speaker 1: January sixth, the day Henry the eighth married a woman

4:40 Speaker 1: he immediately regretted and the only wife who walked away richer, safer,

4:44 Speaker 1: and happier. Join me tomorrow for January seventh, when a

4:49 Speaker 1: man takes off in pursuit of something he believes is

4:51 Speaker 1: a UFO with tragic consequences. Until then, trust your instincts,

4:57 Speaker 1: meet people in person, and never marry based on a

5:00 Speaker 1: portrait